Diary of a Wall
by Spawn of Sarcasm
Summary: Hogwarts facutly get pissed. Very pished. Told from the perspective of the only person sain and sober. The wall. (He who must be maimed is back....we may have a slight problem)


**DIARY OF A WALL.**

That's right, you heard me. I'm a wall. 

I happen to be a wall at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I realise for a wall keeping a diary is an odd thing to do but I fear that if I don't I'm going to go insane, that's quite a feat for a wall, believe me.

I considered just trying to talk to someone about it. Oddly the last person I tried doing that to was carted off to St. Mungo's, no idea why. So I figure a diary is a better way.

**Entry One.**

Things have been rather animated around here lately, what with the return of that nasty wizard or whatever, honestly, the way people around here are acting you'd think it was the end of the world or something.

Minister for Magic was here today, denying everything of course. Dumbledore got a tad upset when Fudgeitup refused to believe that Voldemort had returned despite the fact that he killed half the security at the ministry building yesterday trying to get in. Security refused to let him until he told them his real name and insisted that he wouldn't get entry if _he_ kept insisting that he was Lord Voldemort. Suffice to say that didn't go well. 

He left about an hour ago yelling that Dumbledore was a "raving loon" McGonnagal yelling back at him that he was as "stable as the foundations of Hogwarts themselves." I agree completely, that is he's cracked, dangerously unstable and with a tendency to give off noxious gases.

**Entry two.**

Dumbidiot come up with new plan to get rid of snakeboy. He's decided to give him a "rather stern letter" saying that he didn't think it would be a good idea if Voldemort were appointed supreme ruler of the universe, (apparently one Mr. Harry Potter would have a particular problem).

**Entry three.**

Dumbidiot now shocked and dismayed that his plan didn't work. He broke the news at the last meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, held here at Hogwarts (Always found it a rather amusing idea that he named his resistance group after a bird that sets fire to itself regularly, just for the hell of it.)

Stating he was out of ideas he told them to do the next sensible thing in his opinion – get drunk. Everyone now in the Great Hall "following Dumbledore's orders". (Never saw why it was called great, what's so great about it eh? Wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me. Don't see me being called the great wall, do you? No-one pays attention to me anyway. Sighs. I'm so under appreciated.)

Entry Four 

Someone must have tried casting magic while ever-so-slightly-inebriated. Now have odd blue squirly squiggly type thing (named Doris by Dumbledore) vomiting out random objects and people. Now have a collection of a pre-amnesic gay narcissist, two faced stuttering idiot, a convicted psychopath and a collection of rather insulting Irish leprechauns.   

Convicted murderer gleefully staring down werewolf boys breasts. Was fairly certain up until ten minutes ago he didn't have boobs but he hasn't noticed and the psycho doesn't seem to bothered...neither does Hooch for that matter.

Bat man has unwittingly adopted snarky brat and is now trying to strangle Dumbledore with his own beard after seeing his signature as a witness on the paper.

Bat man now weeping into werewolf boys chest about how hard it is to be a single parent. Psycho doesn't seem too happy about it.

I think Cat woman has had a little too much brandy, and has decided it's a good time to start singing. General consensus now has her disposed off, don't know where.

**Entry Five**

Dumbledore decided it's a good time to sing the school anthem, problem being he's the only one who knows the words so was treated to a lovely rendition of...

"Hogw..nihinihin castle thing,

 Shalalalala dododbey dobey do 

Wahey! 

Snarkitywarkity Scoobyboobybo...(hehehe _booby_heheh)...

Shaninahnah lalelala "

...rapidly deteriorating into Auld Lang Syne, Dumbledore casts imperious over everyone so they hold hands while singing. 

Third time through he decided it was a great moment to do a strip tease. 

Thankfully he fell off the table and brained himself while figuring out how to get his robes off.

Overgrown bat obviously decided he's had picked the wrong side and is now trying to find Voldemort's number in the phone book. 

We did discover where Cat Woman was though, she was in the cupboard on top of the yellow pages singing. Hmm, Bat man and Cat woman...am beginning to see a pattern emerging here.

Entry Six 

McGonagal now out of cupboard and has written poetry confessing her love to Dumbledore which she read with great feeling to the gargoyle by the door. It goes something like this...

"To my lovely dumby

Who has a cute bummy

And makes cakes that taste yummy

I love you muchy."

This was enough to reduce several members of staff to tears. Lockhart now ordered his publishers to have it printed in his next book.

Snape still sober enough to make snarky remark about McGonagal family poetry skills. She thought it was Moody who made the comment and cast a spell at him. It missed and hit Snape square in the forehead. 

Snape currently a very fetching china teapot.

Entry Seven 

Werewolf boy taken pity on Bat Man and after careful thought and deliberation has decided to adopt Harry too. 

Dumbledore now decided everyone's to go to the ministry of magic to convince Fugde of what's going  on. All of them now trying to fit inside the phone box.

Phone box seems to have had a disturbing influence on Dumbledore, he immediately ordered everyone back to the castle, died his beard in different blocks of colours swung it round his neck like a scarf and demanded everyone refer to him as "The Doctor".

Entry Eight 

Spell worn off, Bat man now trying to find both Voldemort's number and divorces in the phone book. Having a little trouble as is trying to do both at the same time. 

Potter brat ever so slightly confused as to how both his parents are male. 

Lupin says they'll explain when he's older. 

Snape says no he won't.

The overgrown bat given up on yellow pages and now trying directory enquires.

Entry Nine 

Bat boy has been on hold for past four hours.

Entry 10 

Bat boy now trying to hex directory enquiries receptionist down the phone line.

Entry 11 

Werewolf boy now married to Convicted Murderer. Have somehow managed to get a legal 3 way marriage, God knows how. Even more disconcerting is that one third of the marriage is a once again a rather fetching china teapot, no-one seems to have noticed.

Entry 12 

Potter brat now thoroughly confused as to how he now has 3 male parents. 

Lupin says he'll explain when he's older. Snape says no he won't.

Entry 13 

Odd noises coming from the broomstick cupboard...don't want to know.

Trelawny just emerged from broomstick cupboard...still don't want to know.

Trelawny appears to have been the only person in the broomstick cupboard..._really _don't want to know.

Entry 14 

Potter brat even more confused as one of 3 male parents now turned out to be a large hairy slavering dog (quite an improvement if you ask me)

Lupin says he'll explain when he's older. Snape says _he'd_ like to know now.

Entry 15 

Arrrghhhhhhhh!!! Idiot Incompetent now painted me PINK! PINK I TELL YOU!!!

Lockhart succeeded in publishing poems. Now disconcerting amount of media and public attention to the fact that the two are apparently an "item". McGonagal devastated by the news.

Entry 16 

Heheh McGonagal and Snape come up with new plan to "dispose" of the nasty harlots attempting to steal their respective partners.

(_Think I'll start using shorthand for names now.)_

Must say B and L do make lovely radishes. Snape and McGonagal now discussing all the lovely things that can be made with radishes.

(_Would have continued short  hand from earlier on but realised Snape and McGonagal whittles down to S&M....oh gods I need to see a psychiatrist_.)

Entry 17 

"Doctor" decided that considering the break ups and arguments in relationships just now, that everybody needs to do some bonding.

Entry 18 

Trelwany and Hooch seem to have misheard the word **bonding**...._soooooooo_ many bad images. This was such a bad idea.

On second thoughts he has come up with the idea to put the irritating incompetent and the irritable murderer in the same room together. (Pink I tell you...)

Entry 19 

Hehe batboy made himself useful, walls still pink but with hint of sanguine and guts. Am actually quite surprised the mans intestines weren't decorated.

Entry 20 

Ugh Doris vomitted out another Lockhart damn that... blue squirly squiggly type thing!

Bat boy finally found Voldemorts number in Dark-Lords r us.

Dark Lords R Us have same receptionist as Directory enquiries. Batman not happy.

Entry 21 

Albus: Your poem was great and moved my heart, it was almost Shakespeare! It could have come straight out of Romeo and...that other guy.

Black: It's not Shakespeare not enough cross dressers!

Snape: Or suicides.

Lockhart: Or dashing gorgeous heroes! I know, I shall write one!

McGonagal: It'll never be as good as mine.

Black: Hmm, I'm not sure, there wasn't any cross dressers...unless Dumbledore's one.

Snape: ...

Lockhart: Fine, I shall make a better one!

McGonagal: No you won't my poem is the bestest love poem in the history of the world!

Lockhart: Mine will be better!

Black: Will it have cross dressers?

Lockhart: Yes! It'll have everything that makes Shakespeare Shakespeare but it shall be Lockspear!

Lockhart tries to look impressive

McGonagal glares angrily.

Snape tries to drown himself in the wine barrel. 

Black: Don't forget the cross dressers! You can never have enough cross dressers!

Lockhart now decided to try his hand at poetry, apparently McGonagal's  wasn't Shakespearian enough.

"I once loved a chocolate cake a beautiful girl

We got together to have a whirl.

But then I discovered that she was a boy,

The son of a crossdresser's daughter's sex toy.

I got so depressed and committed suicide,

But not before making that man my bride.

Then he killed himself and went straight to hell

but that's alright, 'cause now things are swell."

I think the bat man has the right idea. Almost tempted to join him. Just need to find a wine barrel big enough to drown myself in...wait a minute...I'm a wall, I can't drown. God I'm so depressed.


End file.
